02-04-26 02:58 AM
feeling: downtrodden

Can’t sleep.

Just one of those nights. I’ve been having a tough time recently.

My job sucks. I really need to start looking at places and applying. I’ve made it a goal to be somewhere else by the end of the month.

Worried about money. Not making enough right now to stay on top of all my debt. Coming up with ways to help curb my spending habits and save where I can.

Mental health is…flagging at the moment. I’ve been okay the past few months, but I think a lot of things are coming to a head right now. I’m having a difficult time coping and turning back to old bad habits, only with new vices. You can take away the addictions, but you can’t take away the addict I guess.

One of my cats, Charlie, is going back to the vet tomorrow. He had dental surgery a week ago and is having problems eating now. I think he’s just hurting because his pain meds ran out. Probably isn’t anything serious. But his surgery cost $2,000. I can’t take on much more debt without drowning in it.

Also struggling with long distance stuff. I’ve been with my partner, Jem, for five years; married for two and a half. We aren’t any closer to closing the distance between us. The entire world hates immigrants and trans people right now; being a trans man in an international relationship feels like a niche torture. I love Jem so much and I’d wait forever to be together; even with an ocean between us I feel so much love and happiness in my marriage. But it is hard possibly facing the fact that we might not even live together until after we’re both 30.

I was so wigged out tonight coming home from work. Instead of making myself a tea and watching something or playing a game, I’ve stayed up way too late following different neurotic compulsions to their natural conclusion: fruitless dissatisfaction.

I don’t really blame myself. I’m not of the mind to be responsible or level-headed right now. But it is frustrating. I feel held hostage by my own brain.

Trying to give myself some grace. Wrote out this ramble as a way of calming myself down. Not sure if I should post it, but you know. I think that’s why I made this website in the first place. It’s an archive of everything about my life—the good and the bad. It’s more of a personal diary than a platform for content.

Sometimes I worry about my future ambitions with art and writing. I feel like this website isn’t very professional. But I guess I’m not a professional person. That’s the reason why I never went to get my BFA. I need to stop holding myself to the standards I surrendered years ago.

If I ever end up with another solo art show or publish a book, people are going to be sent to this website, and that’s okay. Maybe it’d be better if more creatives went personal instead of professional. I don’t really care about marketing myself or my work. I’m not a product. The art and writing I produce aren’t products, either. I don’t want to be successful. I just want to be authentic.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned as an adult is how quickly your life can spiral out of control—and how long it takes to build back up again. Every day is an effort in repair. Sometimes all you can do is work piece by piece. It all adds up…eventually.