02-09-26 01:37 AM
feeling: tired

0.

Feeling restless so I decided to write out a little post here. Maybe it’ll help empty my head. Listening to Spiderland by Slint—a good soundtrack for nights like this.

Trying out a new format similar to my blog posts. I like compartmentalizing what I write into sections. Coming up with titles for these entries is more work than I want to put into them. So I’ll just do numbered segments.

I like the clean break between each stream of thought. Less “giant wall of text”.

1.

Charlie is doing a lot better now. Went back to the vet and got him some more pain meds and anti-nausea pills. He ate fine after that. A couple days later he refused his wet food, but it had been two weeks since his surgery anyway so I just gave him his usual dry food which he chowed down immediately. He’s still trying to figure out how to chew with seven less teeth.

I haven’t given him any pain meds in a couple days and he seems fine. Not sure what to do with the rest. He’s currently curled up next to me while I write this. I didn’t like seeing him so stressed and uncomfortable, but I think his surgery and the recovery brought us closer together. He’s always been a sweet boy, but he’s been extra cuddly lately. Maybe it’ll wear off eventually.¹

2.

I started working on transmen.online again. I kept postponing it because I needed to rework the theme/layout. I wanted something simpler and mobile responsive; now that that’s out of the way, I’ve taken on the boring job of building out content directories and empty pages.

Ideally I should be using Astro’s Content Collections to set things up, but I just can’t be assed to be honest lol. Maybe that makes me a bad webdev. I’ve been using what I’ve learnt from this site for transmen.online, including clunky workarounds that make sense to me but aren’t the cleanest implementations. I’m sure one day I’ll regret not putting the work in now, but I just want to get this damn site off the ground. Tidying up the backend will be a problem for future Xavier.

3.

Work has sucked lately. What else is new? There’s a manager meeting at the end of the month. It will consist of day shift and night shift bitching about each other, my GM making empty threats and promises, and nothing will change after. Same as always.

I’m so over it. I’ve worked there for five years, now. It was just meant to be a temporary gig after Covid lockdowns ended. Here I am half a decade later. They’ve treated me well there and been generous with time off to visit Jem in the UK. But things have been on a steady decline for awhile and I keep getting more stressed and overworked.

I’m also just really sick of working second shift. No matter what time of the day it is, I’m never fully relaxed. Before work I have to think about work later. After work, I’ve got to get ready for bed in time because I don’t like staying up past 3:00 AM. Waking up too late just makes me cranky. It’s just now 2:00 AM right now, so that means I’ve got like an hour left before I need to brush my teeth and hop into bed.

Jem is going to help me look for jobs later this week. I’m gonna try shooting for a day shift somewhere. It makes me nervous. I’m neurotic without a routine, but I’m also not a morning person so I find it hard to get up early, even though I prefer it in theory. That, and it will make talking to Jem throughout the week tough: since I’m six hours behind, by the time I get out of work in the late afternoon/early evening, Jem will be in bed.

We’ve said before that if I work a day shift job it would improve our routines when Jem visits, though. In any case, I think my mental health improving will help our relationship, even if we have to talk less. The idea of having uninterrupted personal time during the work week sounds so foreign to me.

I don’t really care what I do. I’ll probably just end up at another fast food joint. I wish I could get a “real job”. I tried studying IT a couple years ago; I liked it a lot, but it was too much on top of working full-time. I’d need Jem here to help. Until then I’m stuck doing menial labor. Probably food service, maybe retail. I don’t think I’m cut out for an industrial job; if I went to go work at a plant or something, my blue-collar father—who spent his entire life telling me not to do exactly that—would probably flip a lid.

4.

It looks like Jem won’t be here for another couple years, taking finances as well as the…delicate political atmosphere into account. Sucks, but that’s the world we live in.

We haven’t told anyone in my family yet that Jem will be moving here again. They still think I’m going to the UK. It’s just tiring having to constantly explain ourselves. People find it real easy to cast judgement and form opinions about something they have no firsthand experience of.

5.

My car has to get an oil change. I’ve never actually gone myself. My dad’s always taken it for me. The car title is in his name, so it makes sense, and he’s always kind enough to offer. I’m just a little embarrassed that I’m nearly 30 and can’t do it on my own.² I’m going to call him tomorrow and ask if he can help, which I know he will.

6.

I’ve been so tired the past couple weeks. Worryingly so.

I have thyroid problems, but I’m on levothyroxine and my levels were fine last time they were checked. I don’t think it’s that.

My T levels can drop off pretty severely. I was a couple days late with my shot this week. I went back up to 4mL doses, though, and noticed that it carried me through the week better than 3mL. But maybe the drop-off is more extreme. I did my shot today, hoping it will kick in tomorrow.

Jem thinks I might be anemic. I certainly have a lot of symptoms. I’m going to order some iron and give it a go.

7.

I want to do some more blogging this week. I’ve got one huge post that needs editing, and a few shorter posts I want to start on. Don’t have many webdev goals right now besides getting transmen.online up and running.

I’m not sure if I’ll be going to figure drawing sessions this week. I might just skip class and go up on one of my days off. My professor would probably be ecstatic if I just chill in the painting studio or something for a bit.

I think in the meantime I want to do some digital sketches. I miss the workflow and I need to loosen up a little. I like churning out quick figures in Krita. It’s so easy. I think it’ll help me relax back into things.

8.

Not sure what else to write. I feel like I have so much more on my mind but it’s impossible to pin down and put into words.

Charlie is snoozing beside me. Marley’s laid across my chest purring. I think it’s nearly kitty bedtime. Which means it’ll be my bedtime soon, too.

Feeling a bit less restless. Writing all this out helped. I don’t know if anyone reads these all the way haha. If you made it this far, thanks for taking interest. I want to start making little adoptable pixels. Maybe I’ll start hiding them in entries like this lol.

Take care, hypothetical reader. <3