03-01-26 01:20 AM
feeling: tired x__x

1.

been awhile so i thought i’d write up a little diary entry!! i felt like posting something but i don’t have anything ready for my blog yet.

coming out of a weird depressive episode atm. brought on by low testosterone and just idk, the whims of my disregulated brain. it be like that sometimes.

i feel like i still view mental illness as a “before” and “after” sort of thing—like, i think i am post-depression or something, so when i get hit with a random depressive episode out of nowhere it always pisses me off and i get super hard on myself. i guess i’m still waiting to grow out of it haha.

i am feeling better today tho so i think i’m finally coming out of it!! :)

2.

today is the first week i’m trying out splitting my T dose into two shots. i went back up to .4mL last month and i feel a lot better, but the mental/physical drop leading up to my shot day was crazy. so now i’m doing two .2mL shots 3-4 days apart. just did my first one before bed thursday night (technically like 1:00 AM friday morning lol). i am hoping it’ll help my energy and mood be more consistent!!

3.

zzzz

i’m so friggin tired today bruh. i had a manager meeting at 8:30 AM. i couldn’t get to sleep until like 4:00 AM so i was fucked lol. went to walmart after the meeting, got home and made some oatmeal, then passed tf out again until about 30 min before my shift started.

meeting wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. mostly just procedural stuff. i was expecting to get bitched out. (night shift always catches the short end of the stick, that’s just how food service goes.)

things are weirdly stable at work rn, but it never lasts that way for long. still gotta look for new jobs. if i can find a higher paying spot i’ll apply. i have been considering trying out a day shift job. i haven’t work days since i was like idk, 18 lol. i am sick of second shift. but i don’t know how i’d fare getting up early in the mornings. idk. we’ll see lol. depends on if i can even find anywhere that pays better.

4.

had a dream about avatar last night. don’t ask me why. my dreams are always super weird. i had a lot of stress dreams actually, so i think it was my brain trying to bring up something nicer. i LOVE avatar. now i wanna rewatch the movies all over again. i’ve also been considering writing some fanfic.

i wanna make a new ao3 account that i can share here on the site (i’d host copies of my fics here too!). i love writing fanfic and i wanna write more personal stuff that i wouldn’t mind attaching my real name to lol.

while at work i was thinking of avatar stuff and i think i would like to write a fic with FTM lo’ak! i’ve always wondered how trans stuff would work in-universe with the na’vi and i think lo’ak would be the perfect character to explore it with! i’ll probs info dump in a separate note sometime soon to brainstorm

i also wanna write some jake/neytiri stuff bc they are my OTP and we need some good romance between them. they’ve been thru so much i just wanna write them having a cute date night or something and maybe a lil extra sumthin sumthin if ykwim

i have plans tomorrow to like be productive and do stuff before lol. maybe after work i’ll chill and start watching the movies thru again, beginning w the goat A1!

5.

been hanging out in different discord alts lately. so far i like fluxer the most, but it’s only got one dev and it’s been down a lot. he seems like a good dude tho so i’m rooting for him. once it’s stable and there’s good self hosting docs out i’ll probably try spinning up a server. it’ll be my first go at something like that but i really wanna try it out, the idea of being able to host my own chat sound rad af.

i’ve been on matrix for a min now too but it’s kind of a pain. cinny is the only client i really like, but even then there isn’t voice/video call support yet. also idk if they even have screenshare audio atm. def won’t work for jem and i.

also been on mastodon a lot recently. and regrettably spending more time on reddit lol. but it isn’t TOO bad. i am only rly jumping into threads to actually read stuff up and develop my own thoughts on things. or i will scroll for hours just eating up fandom stuff like i did today w the avatar sub lol.

6.

speaking of media i really love—i just watched concernedape’s 10 year anniversary stardew valley retrospective and oh my godd it made me cry like a bitch. i posted about it on mastodon which i will copy & paste here!

bruh i just watch concernedape’s stardew retrospective and it made me cry like a little bitch i love this dev and this game so much holy shit. also i had no clue there was a 1.6 update????? and now a 1.7 on the way??? ahhhhh

man this makes me wanna hop into a new save file and start playing again ughhhh. i haven’t played it in soooo long, at least a couple years, and even then i only ever played until like year 2 or 3 across different files

the last big file i had was on my og switch, which i lost after a crazy night of drinking that made me go sober lmao.

i’ve been playing my 3ds exclusively for the past 3-ish years, gotten to play thru so many cool games i never checked out before, including farm sims like rune factory 4 which i put 40+ hours into on my 3ds/switch combined (still never got married xD i wanna replay on a fresh save now that i understand the mechanics better), and older story of seasons titles.

i’ve also tried out games like fields of mistria on pc, which is an amazing title and i love all the npc interactions as well as the aesthetic. so cute and cozy.

all that being said, stardew is THE BLUEPRINT and my #1 farm sim (tied with harvest moon a wonderful life, which is what first got me into the genre). it is also in my top three games of all time along with ff13, skyrim, and pokemon white/black.

idk i just feel emotional, i’ve had a rough mental health day today. sat down and watched this video on a whim and it really cheered me up. so happy that stardew exists and concernedape is the great dev that he is.

anyway i just really wanna get back into the game again, it’s been so long since i played and this video reminded me how much it means to me. it’s def in my top games of all time, up there with ff13, skyrim, and pokemon black/white!

7.

been trying to be nicer to myself lately too. it’s tough consciously bargaining with the mean voice in my head that always gives me shit, but i’m trying. even if i’m not successful all the time, i think the effort is paying off!

gonna try getting better about doing my stretches again. my back has been killing me lately. i had a whole PT routine a few years back but i just sorta stopped doing it. i def need it again tho lol.

8.

i could say more stuff but i only really started writing this to make myself sleepy, and it worked lol. too tired to think anymore. gonna sign off and head to bed now!! gn :) <3

P.S.

i nearly forgot to mention but!! my birthday is in like three weeks yay :) ok goodnight lol