I'm pre-op and I've been on T for about 5 years. I've known I was trans since the sixth grade. I came out to different members of my family over the course of several years. In 2018 I started T for the first time, but stopped after three months as I wasn't ready to come out full-time. In 2020 I came out full-time and started T again, and I've been on it since.

I went stealth in 2021. After spending so many years struggling with my identity and dysphoria, I wanted to finally enjoy simply being a man. I have decided to "come back out" so to speak for various reasons, both personal and political. I'm still stealth in my day-to-day life, but this website is my first step toward reclaiming my trans identity!

I only refer to myself as a trans(sexual) man/male, as well as FTM (female-to-male). I don't like to use the terms transmasc or queer when referring to myself, and I ask that others don't refer to me as such.

These distinctions in vocabulary are very important to me. The terminology that I use explicitly establishes my manhood and maleness, and carries historical and cultural significance in the history of trans men, which in my observation has been overruled in recent years by utilizing generalized umbrella terms like "transmasc" or (even worse) "AFAB".

These terms are fine in their own contexts and communities but fail to adequately describe my own gender identity and transition, and in my opinion leaves trans men such as myself in positions of being wrongly categorized, under the implication that our manhood is unequal to that of cis men and inherently more aligned with non-male identities.

For more on my thoughts about certain terminology, etc:

• In Defense of FTM
• On The Exclusion of Trans Men

In 2023, the local Planned Parenthood I went to for HRT got bombed with a Molotov cocktail, resulting in millions in damages which forced the clinic to shutdown. During the lapse in my healthcare my testosterone levels went unmonitored, and I began suffering severe complications after they (unbeknownst to me) got too high.

I developed a bad case of vaginal atrophy, which manifested in severe pelvic and urinary pain and eventually lead to two diagnoses: Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which causes chronic pain in the pelvic muscles and nerves, and Interstitial Cystitis, a chronic bladder condition.

I started having symptoms in September of 2023, and didn't get diagnosed until December; I didn't find any relief until March of 2024. I spent six months in debilitating pain and became incredibly depressed, with my dysphoria worsening by the day. As you can imagine, I also struggled with new angst surrounding my transition. Something that had thus far brought me genuine self-love and self-actualization—at the cost of various personal hardships and sacrifices—was now the source of emotional, physical, and mental pain; the solution to my problems of gender and identity had instead become a new source of pain and there was no relief in sight.

During the interim between my diagnoses and finding successful treatments, I dropped my T dosage down to a minimal level only found at the very start of transitioning—and by then I was nearly four years on with HRT. I even began contemplating coming off of T entirely—which would effectively halt my transition, and in some areas even reverse it.

I persevered, though, and managed to find a treatment plan that works for me. Eventually I'll write up a new page for this site going into more details. I think it's important to share this story because these sort of "transition gone wrong" narratives are hard to find, especially in good faith. I felt incredibly alone and isolated when I went through all of this, and I don't want anyone else to feel the same. If anyone reading this, especially trans men and transmasc people on T, is going through something similar, please feel free to reach out to me!

• Second Skins: The Body Narratives of Transsexuality
• Transgender Studies Reader, vol. I & II
• Transgender Warriors
• Advice for the Female-to-Male Transsexual and Crossdresser
• FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society
• Female Masculinity
• Hung Jury
• The Posttranssexual Manifesto
• Queer Dharma, vol. I & II

I'm really passionate about preserving FTM history, culture, and thought, with an emphasis on maintaining binary trans male spaces, ideas, and testimonies. I have plans to eventually create an FTM webring, as well as trans-specific sites on my main domain, xavierhm.com.

[Add more later]

This section used to have the first half of a draft I've been working on about transmedicalism, how I conceptualize it, and what parts of the philosophy align with my own beliefs and which do not. I no longer feel comfortable having the draft up unfinished. I'll add it again once I've finished it and feel that it is fit to share online.

In short, my goal with my trans writing is to provide a space for the modern transsexual, and help quantify what transsexuality means within the context of modern queer theory; most of my ideas are founded upon transmedicalism, but not in the traditional sense. Similarly, my concept of transsexuality is not so much a standardized format of gender identity and expression, but a modular framework with sex dysphoria and the male/female binary as its basis, in contrast to trans formulations which have "evolved beyond" such "archaic" metrics, so to speak (with my tongue in cheek).

Rather than using transmedicalism and transsexuality as an ideological cudgel to discredit non-transsexual identities, I want to focus inward and build a platform and philosophy that honors the experiences of transsexuals and provides space for transsexuals within the modern trans community that emphasizes our specific needs, experiences, transitions, and identities.